question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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