ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
She needs sedatives and a leash
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
