Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
