It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
my being single is dangerous.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
