im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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