I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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