News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
