can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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