guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
