Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
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