I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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