Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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