I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Randomize
