atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
