hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
