i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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