never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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