I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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