you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
