So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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