I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
