i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
