just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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