If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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