Dude my mom stole all your condoms
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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