found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
