I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
