I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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