Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
