I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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