If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
