I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
