She announced her abortion via fbk
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
