I didn't shave. On purpose
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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