my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
