If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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