so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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