i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
