just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
