I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
