I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
