Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Boobs are out for the taking
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
