I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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