I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Randomize
