theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
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