I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
