why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
