did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
