I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
