I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize