I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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