the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize