in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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