First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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