You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
