my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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